A Valid Sense of Self

First off, I've decided right now to use the word "I" more carefully. "I" is a limiting word and I forget that most of what I think is what we all have going through our heads.

We're constantly looking for new chapters of our lives. Never mind, maybe it's just me and I can't speak for everyone; I'll go back to using "I". Last night I was up late and needed to think, so I took a couple mile walk down the.... wait hold on (((this is where I stop writing in my notebook cause it already hurts my hand and I hate my handwriting; it's menacing and discouraging.)))  There we go...

...Road. It had rained all day, so the roads were glazed black with the leftover gift of acid rain Las Vegas's atmosphere has to offer. To say the disgusting creatively baron least, the view was mesmerizing. 

The clouds were hued with the glow of the moon which made my spirit quite the peculiar follower. I stepped slowly toward the moon further and further, feasting my eyes on the glow of the blossomed glimmer of this spectacular picturesque scene.

The scents came in every direction from the wet sage brush and various landscaped greenery alongside my aimlessly gazed footsteps. The water was on each side of the road and reflected the revealed few stars let through the brave white and genuinely compelling clouds.

To again say the repulsively limiting least, I was staring at a temporary celestial moment that I wished I could live in. I turned off my music player because there was no such human creation that could match my ears with what my eyes were gorging themselves with.

To my left and to my right were streets that I no longer wished to travel down. These structured pathways were dark all the way to the dead end, which and only there, were lights which almost promised me parallel wonders, but nothing in this world could fill in my vacant holes like this. I remained on the wet glazed metallic road I was on. My companions would just have to come here. I wasn't going there. Not anymore.

Here I was to find a valid sense of self. Something human made could never fulfill me with this. Still, and here's the ugly, painful, placid, choleric, truth. I was not fit to remain on this road. I was still tempted to stare at the water which accumulated on the side of the road. A water that looked beautiful, but underneath was a filthy mud and a freezing temperature. This was the side of the road, not the road, but I felt the sidelines were to be tended. O the tragedy.

I stepped to the side of the road, into the very cold water which filled my shoes instantly. I stepped off the path and into the austere, harsh, and severe sobering of my paradise. My feet were too cold to remain there. Because of my curious faltering, I now had to walk home and leave the beautiful view behind.

Walking home, I saw that the water I longed to be a part of was flowing and emptying into the sewer. I'm not quite as angry as I was when I first decided to splash in what I already knew would be a bad idea. I'm so grateful that I am no longer tethered to the world of drugs and could feast my eyes and feel the natural beauty that God put before me.

We, no I, am no longer going to limit my oncoming chapters to my own imagination and am going to look to God to feel again and be saved. We, no you, are sadly but truly, most likely going to walk down other paths. I'm sorry that you can't see what I can see. I honestly and pitifully weep at this truth.

My feet are warm now, I think I'm going to watch the sun come up and let it cleanse me of my past and passed chapters which are cluttered with such distorted and false fables of my historical self.